Hopelessly Devoted: Losing yourself due to desperation of finding “Love”.

I just wonder why people believe that you have to do so much to obtain something so simple . The reality is that love isn’t suppose to be complicated we just make it that way .
Many women suffer from being a product of their environment. As a child we are as a seed that is being mentally, physically,and visually  watered by the beliefs and myths from our peers of what a woman should be to live happily ever after.  Of course this world is filled with a bunch a fluff . But at that age how do we know? Sometimes if you don’t have someone feeding you positivity and helping you discern the difference between what’s real and what’s fake it’s easy to get lost in the system.
 So here we are in a world where we feel as though we have to be a stepford wife that looks like a black Barbie in order to find and keep true love .
 But if you have to be something you aren’t then how could that be true??  This is one of the main reasons why when some women get divorced or just get out of a long relationship they really are lost for a while .  It’s like what do I do now?? You’ve spent years playing house to appease a man To the degree that you lost yourself . You have no clue who you are or what really makes you happy.  You look in the mirror and cry because you hate what you see because you automatically start comparing yourself to the next woman.  I’m not pretty enough , hair not long or soft enough, I need more curves, my skin isn’t fair enough , ect . All of this of not addressed accordingly can result to depression and you once again painting another picture to catch another collectors eye and the grueling cycle begins once again .
    It’s funny because as years go by the man you beat yourself up  and lost your edges for ultimately marries and starts a family with the woman you was trying so hard not too look like  . And is as opinionated and vocal as you thought you couldn’t be in fear of losing him . Crazy right ???
I say all of this to say this:
  How can you expect a man to love you if you don’t even know who yourself ??  And if you don’t know yourself how could you possibly love yourself?? Therefore if you don’t even love yourself how could you possibly expect a man to love you??
  Nothing is wrong with enhancements as long as you never lose focus of who you are underneath it all. You have to know what makes you happy so when you do meet him you will know what you want because you have your own dreams and goals . You can’t build a home without the proper foundation.
  There was a time when I was in an extremely toxic relationship . Granted we did click at first but the main issue was we both were stuck on what the world made us believe was “acceptable ” for our lifestyle . Imagine being in love with a man who loves and hated everything about you . Yes it was an extremely confusing chapter in my life . To be with someone who wouldn’t let you go because you completed him yet was ashamed to admit it publicly because he didn’t want to tarnish his image .
  See he was brainwashed to believe his ideal woman would have all of my internal qualities but my exterior did not fit the bill . I wasn’t light enough , hair wasn’t curly enough and wasn’t thick enough.  I brushed off his sarcastic shot but they were cutting deeper than I would admit . I use to beat myself up daily for not being good enough by constantly trying to over compensate other things to make up for my flaws. This wasn’t where I needed to be  But due to the fact that I had just escaped another toxic situation that I truly believed he saved me from I foolishly held on to what we had.  See it was embedded in my mind that I couldn’t get better because I didn’t deserve better .  And when you don’t love yourself it is easy for you to settle for less.
  All I knew at that phase in my life was that I wanted to be loved. Therefore I did whatever I could to attain and keep it. Even if it cost my happiness, his happiness made it worth it.  Being in relationships with mentally abusive men that had broken me down to the point that if someone gave me a genuine compliment I didn’t know how to accept it because I really didn’t believe them .
It took me to lose it all to truly get to know myself because at that point that’s all I had besides God. Once I figured out who I was and began loving myself that was when my true growth began.  To love yourself makes you value yourself as well as your time . Therefore you no longer waste time with guys who you know aren’t going the same direction you’re going .
 Now that I know who I am and what I want out of life it’s easier for me to build something solid with a man. I’m no longer hiding behind several masks trying to become the woman of his dreams. I am just merely me that way if he does decide to propose it will be to me not the image I painted for him.
  I always used the scene  from coming to America as a reference to this theory . See the princess that was presented to Hakeem .She was beautiful but all she wanted to be was his queen and “whatever he liked” . She dedicated  her whole life trying to be everything he desired   . But he needed more from her  he wanted a woman who knew what she wanted out of life but she couldn’t provide that to him because he was all that she knew.  She didn’t make the cut but we all saw the movie and know who did. This movie is a prime example of why it is so important to be you at the end of the day . Love is not that complicated and if you have to go above and beyond to make a man love you . Then the reality is he isn’t the man for you .  No matter what anyone says there is someone out there for YOU!!!  Not who you THINK u need to be.  Therefore until you find yourself don’t expect love to find you.
    β€œLove is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 GNBDK

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  1. Was reading that bible verse and got confused cause if love aint jealousy, conceitedness and being proud then how can it be love?

    And if thats the case then is it possible to really love a life partner?


    1. First I would like to thank you for reading my post as well as being the first person to break in my comment page !!!
      Now to answer your question real love should never stress you in any way ,shape or fashion . Therefore jealousy , conceitedness, and being proud could never be incorporated with Love in my opinion . When you love and are loved in return it’s a breath of fresh air and you have no room for worry or doubt . Your partner should be your peace and also your rock so none of that is associated with those toxic attributes.
      To answer your second question yes it’s totally possible to love a life partner or your better half . Why wouldn’t it be ?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Girl…u r extremely courageous.. relationships like that suck the life out of u…
    People in love may often have different opinions but they r always headed in same direction…
    If the person u love is not giving dignity to ur relationship. . U should better leave him alone
    We need to know our standerds to embrace ourselves… for us and for others too!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I totally agree with you !! That’s the main reason for this piece because so many women unbeknownst are doing the exact same thing . Back then I was dealing with a lot emotionally so I subjected myself to a lot . I believe self love is key before you should ever consider a relationship. I also am now aware of the term “codependency”. After I finally broke that cycle I really has to look in the mirror see my shortcomings and truly ask myself who am I and wtf am I doing !!!
      That chapter is closed and has made me a wiser and stronger individual. I chose to be transparent and share because most are ashamed to admit or even acknowledge that they’re in a toxic situation. When it comes down they’re not going to break that cycle until they open there eyes and choose to do it theirselves. I had friends and loved ones just like you telling trying to point out to me the signs that were clearly dead in my face but I was naive and wasn’t strong enough to let go . My heart hurts for them and I pray one day they’ll “wake up” before it’s too late .


  3. getting DEEP on this monday! YES. YES. YES. i was soooooooo lost for so long and thought i was going to find myself in a “man” and that was FAR from the truth… we have to own ourselves and love ourselves before we can truly love another.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow. This was a great read! I agree with you in that you need to truly know and love yourself first. The person that’s meant for you may not always be what you imagine, but it will be the person God has molded for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. If you don’t love yourself, it is impossible for someone else to love you. Your confidence grows when you love yourself and that is what men find attractive. That being said, it is a process for many. Great post. I think it will help a lot of people.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Before I found my husband I did a lot of soul searching, and read self-help books. I believe that’s why I finally met the man who is my husband. I agree that we can’t love someone if we don’t know or love ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Great post. I saw myself settling in my last relationship because I didn’t think I’d get a shot of being with anyone after. Fast forward, I ended it because I said I’d rather be single and happy than alone and miserable being everything that he and everyone else wanted me to be for him. Glad I made that choice.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My wife and I didn’t have this insight when we got married so we made each other miserable for 15 years – but we chose to stay because we loved each other. True love prevailed and we both got counseling and now our marriage is enjoyable.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I was so worried about love that I didn’t take the time to get to know me. I tried to do so much later in life. It is a lot harder doing it the hardway.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. You spoke a word on this. I was in a relationship, not marriage where I was lowkey playing house and I thought I was doing everything right. I thought we were happy, I did everything a girlfriend who aspired to be his future wife would do. I did things to make him happy but the more I did that, the more he didnt try to do the same for me. So I kinda did lose myself because I thought I was balancing the relationship by making him happy but I ended up sacrificing my own happiness and we didnt work out anyways. Definitely learned my lesson from that.

    Liked by 1 person

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