Confessions of a Black Lotus PT. 10

Time after time I find myself falling apart and frantically having to put myself back together. The feeling of not having control of your life can be very frustrating! To be so close to success or serenity only to be aggressively yanked out of your comfort zone or into some bullshit is a special type of hell! Sometimes I feel like a puppet constantly getting played with and my strings tangled ! As if my puppet master finds joy in the pain I feel when I’m so close to euphoria only to unexpectedly fall apart ! I’ve fallen and cried so many times that I catch my self praying one day I could just shatter because at least that would be the final time I feel pain . So many people assume you have to be literally confined or taken hostage to be a prisoner. But the reality is that “ freedom is a state of mind “ therefore it’s so easy to figuratively imprison yourself. Whether it be the result of adversity from your past or just the poison that was poured in your ear throughout your life by bullies , naysayers and even your peers. It is untimely our choice on how deep these things harbor inside of us ! Some people are able to break free from the things that were holding them back while some remain tangled by these mental “strings” living a life only existing while they unbeknownst have became the gatekeeper of their own prison .

Could it be we fear freedom? Or have even became a Slave to our pain ? If pain and chaos is all you know then peace of mind can make you uncomfortable as crazy as that sounds . I can admit that I have made progress in my life but a few “strings” remain because they have been harder to cut then the others . Strings that mentally tugged , restrained , and even choked me at times . I don’t look at myself as failure because of this but just a mere human being . Because we all have our mental strings yet some have decided to become complacent or even ignore the things that could be holding them back from their future or just simple happiness. I believe that taking responsibility is the hardest step in change . But once you can admit what your problems are then it’s easier to fix them once you are ready to make that positive transition. I say this because when it comes to our strongholds we can pray ,cry and confide in people till our face turns blue but until you are completely ready you will remain in bondage . No one can fix you but YOU! No one can cut you loose from the things that are holding you hostage but you ! And yes I know some people may argue with my theory but even in the Bible it states “ faith without WORKS is dead “ . At this moment we have 69 days left in this year . Which means we have 69 days to make a decision to either cut those strings that have been holding us back or bring in another year in bondage.  The choice is yours…

If you would like to share the things you plan on cutting free from before the new year please comment below . I have learned that sometimes knowing you are not alone can really be comforting . Also if you have overcame this and would love to share your story please comment below because your testimony may just save or inspire someone to make that first step to a positive transition.


  1. I think you are right in saying that we fear freedom sometimes and growth or change can be a painful process to endure. But at the same time like you said once you admit what your issues are, you find that overcoming them can be easier.

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  2. Inspiring post! Change is hard and painful, but I think we all keep a few “strings” as you say. Nobody really breaks free from the past. You just have to accept it and learn how to live with it!

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  3. “No one can fix you but YOU!” This is true right here, thanks for this post. Everybody is different and you yourself can only be your own victim and you yourself can change it.

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  4. I’m so sorry you feel stressed and like you have to keep putting yourself back together! You’re definitely right though that the first step to problem-solving is identifying the problem. Once you know that you can come up with a game plan.

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  5. I do think that we do fear freedom more than we would like to admit. I think it’s why we keep trying to erect barriers around ourselves in some vain attempt to feel safe. That doesn’t make anyone safe, and it really does us damage. Although I do think knowing we have barriers out there does help us experience freedom in better ways. I didn’t really think about that but it truly does.

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  6. Two quotes that stood out for me: “No one can fix you but you” and “You are your worst enemy”. If you are not happy only You can repair it, only You can go through the “change”. Please do not let others negative influence hamper you from goals you have set for yourself, it is Your Life you are living not theirs. You have shown great strength in sharing this, I applaud you. xoxo

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  7. I’m so sorry life has been challenging for you lately. I can relate. This post was really inspiring and I appreciate you sharing and being so open!

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  8. This is a wake up call for me. I love the way you put things into perspective. It made me think, “What did I do to be kinder, spread cheer, be positive, and show love for the 300 days that passed?” I should be ashamed of myself. Thank you for reminding me to make the best out of the remainder of this year.

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  9. I LOVE this post, so uplifting and such an eye opener, you are right about it all!! keep it up!! you are an inspiration, life has its ups and down, it wil get harder and when it does that meas somethig better to look forward to thanks for being that person who had to say it how it is!! god bess U !! x

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