Confessions of a Black Lotus Pt.11

Sometimes in life the voices of doubt scream so loud that’s it’s difficult to hear your voice of reason .

Sometimes there’s really nothing left ..

Sometimes you lose sight and your world goes dark …

you can feel yourself sinking deeper into that vortex of despair …

But Don’t panic!! this is just a part of life and you’re not alone .

The reality is life just like any long journey has hills and valleys !

Inclimate weather and unexpected blackouts !

Snares , traps  and quicksand !

There will be hardships and there will be tears !

But don’t panic

Get out of your head

Don’t give up

Breathe easy

Hold tight

Keep faith

Because just like every other obstacle you thought will kill you .

Most definitely shall not !

~~ sincerely ,

(A habitual survivor )



Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your head .

“Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your head.”

So many haters!👀 So many players!👀So many phony people!👀So many hurdles!👀Maybe it’s not meant for you to makeit!👀Maybe all men are dogs!👀Maybe all of your friends are snakes!👀Or maybe …ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD ‼️…….

I know I write a lot about toxic friend and relationships. But with this particular blog, I’m going to speak on another toxic situation that some choose to overlook which is the habit of over thinking which ultimately results in self-sabotage.

*Self-sabotaging is when a person creates problems that interfere with their long-standing goals.*

So many people are doing this and not even knowing it because the scars from their past cut so deep that it automatically reprogrammed that person’s way of thinking. No different from adopting a child or even a pet from the shelter. If they came from an abusive home then they are automatically in defense mode.  With a wall built and ready to fight to protect the little piece of sanity they have left. Being hurt in any shape, form or fashion doesn’t feel good and nobody wants to continue to endure that type of pain.

With that being said a overthinkers actions are rightfully justifiable. But on the other hand, people who have experienced adversity cannot allow their past to continue to hinder their future.  You have to allow yourself a designated time to heal and then move forward with your life  !! You are only cheating yourself when you choose to wear the title of “the victim” almost as a security blanket in order to justify your toxic habits and over thinking.That’s when you begin to self-sabotage your own joy and you become your biggest problem !!

The harsh reality is No one wants to accept the fact that sometimes the only thing keeping you from attaining your goals is YOU!  YES, It’s perfectly fine to learn from your pain, be more selective on who is in your circle, and be more calculated when it comes down to the decisions you make in life. But you have to find a realistic balance when doing so. So give yourself time to heal then HEAL DAMNIT!! Stop picking that scab, stop crying a river, stop choosing to remain the victim, Stop blaming and punishing people in your present due to your past, and last but not least stop sabotaging your happiness. I know I said this before but that cannot be stressed enough.

On a side note, No self-sabotaging isn’t done just through how you treat others but also how you treat yourself. Some people fail to realize how powerful the tongue truly is. If you live a life of self-doubt and speak nothing but negative things about yourself then why would you be surprised when negative things keep happening? It is imperative that you have faith in yourself because if not how can you expect people to have faith In you. This theory also applies to loving yourself as well. Once you change your way of thinking you will gradually see things change around you. It may not happen overnight and that’s perfectly fine. Every day is a new chance for a new beginning therefore if you backslide it’s ok. Just learn from it vow to make the next day that much better. Once you heal from within then you will see a change in your friend and relationships.

This is something I myself use to suffer from so I can honestly say it can feel easier said than done at times. But once you break that first wall down each day will get easier and easier. Trust me❣💕

Hopelessly Devoted: Losing yourself due to desperation of finding “Love”.

Many women suffer from being a product of their environment. As a child we are as a seed that is being mentally, physically,and visually  watered by the beliefs and myths from our peers of what a woman should be to live happily ever after.  Of course this world is filled with a bunch a fluff . But at that age how do we know?

I just wonder why people believe that you have to do so much to obtain something so simple. The reality is that love isn’t supposed to be complicated we just make it that way.
Many women suffer from being a product of their environment. As a child, we are as a seed that is being mentally, physically, and visually watered by the beliefs and myths from our peers of what a woman should be to live happily ever after.  Of course, this world is filled with a bunch a fluff. But at that age how do we know? Sometimes if you don’t have someone feeding you positivity and helping you discern the difference between what’s real and what’s fake it’s easy to get lost in the system.
 So here we are in a world where we feel as though we have to be a Stepford wife that looks like a black Barbie in order to find and keep true love.
 But if you have to be something you aren’t then how could that be true??  This is one of the main reasons why when some women get divorced or just get out of a long relationship they really are lost for a while.  It’s like what do I do now?? You’ve spent years playing house to appease a man To the degree that you lost yourself. You have no clue who you are or what really makes you happy.  You look in the mirror and cry because you hate what you see because you automatically start comparing yourself to the next woman.  I’m not pretty enough, hair not long or soft enough, I need more curves, my skin isn’t fair enough, ect. All of this of not addressed accordingly can result in depression and you once again painting another picture to catch another collectors eye and the grueling cycle begins once again.
    It’s funny because as years go by the man you beat yourself up and lost your edges for ultimately marries and starts a family with the woman you were trying so hard not to look like. And is as opinionated and vocal as you thought you couldn’t be in fear of losing him. Crazy right ???
I say all of this to say this:
  How can you expect a man to love you if you don’t even know who yourself ??  And if you don’t know yourself how could you possibly love yourself?? Therefore if you don’t even love yourself how could you possibly expect a man to love you??
  Nothing is wrong with enhancements as long as you never lose focus on who you are underneath it all. You have to know what makes you happy so when you do meet him you will know what you want because you have your own dreams and goals. You can’t build a home without the proper foundation.
  There was a time when I was in an extremely toxic relationship. Granted we did click at first but the main issue was we both were stuck on what the world made us believe was “acceptable ” for our lifestyle. Imagine being in love with a man who loves and hated everything about you. Yes, it was an extremely confusing chapter in my life. To be with someone who wouldn’t let you go because you completed him yet was ashamed to admit it publicly because he didn’t want to tarnish his image.
  See he was brainwashed to believe his ideal woman would have all of my internal qualities but my exterior did not fit the bill. I wasn’t light enough, hair wasn’t curly enough and wasn’t thick enough.  I brushed off his sarcastic shot but they were cutting deeper than I would admit. I use to beat myself up daily for not being good enough by constantly trying to overcompensate other things to make up for my flaws. This wasn’t where I needed to be  But due to the fact that I had just escaped another toxic situation that I truly believed he saved me from I foolishly held on to what we had.  See it was embedded in my mind that I couldn’t get better because I didn’t deserve better .  And when you don’t love yourself it is easy for you to settle for less.
  All I knew at that phase in my life was that I wanted to be loved. Therefore I did whatever I could to attain and keep it. Even if it cost my happiness, his happiness made it worth it.  Being in relationships with mentally abusive men that had broken me down to the point that if someone gave me a genuine compliment I didn’t know how to accept it because I really didn’t believe them.
It took me to lose it all to truly get to know myself because at that point that’s all I had besides God. Once I figured out who I was and began loving myself that was when my true growth began.  To love yourself makes you value yourself as well as your time. Therefore you no longer waste time with guys who you know aren’t going the same direction you’re going.
 Now that I know who I am and what I want out of life it’s easier for me to build something solid with a man. I’m no longer hiding behind several masks trying to become the woman of his dreams. I am just merely me that way if he does decide to propose it will be to me not the image I painted for him.
  I always used the scene from coming to America as a reference to this theory. See the princess that was presented to Hakeem.She was beautiful but all she wanted to be was his queen and “whatever he liked”. She dedicated her whole life trying to be everything he desired. But he needed more from her he wanted a woman who knew what she wanted out of life but she couldn’t provide that to him because he was all that she knew.  She didn’t make the cut but we all saw the movie and know who did. This movie is a prime example of why it is so important to be you at the end of the day. Love is not that complicated and if you have to go above and beyond to make a man love you. Then the reality is he isn’t the man for you.  No matter what anyone says there is someone out there for YOU!!!  Not who you THINK u need to be.  Therefore until you find yourself don’t expect love to find you.
    “Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 GNBDK

Confessions of a Black Lotus PT. 10

Time after time I find myself falling apart and frantically having to put myself back together. The feeling of not having control of your life can be very frustrating! To be so close to success or serenity only to be aggressively yanked out of your comfort zone or into some bullshit is a special type of hell! Sometimes I feel like a puppet constantly getting played with and my strings tangled ! As if my puppet master finds joy in the pain I feel when I’m so close to euphoria only to unexpectedly fall apart ! I’ve fallen and cried so many times that I catch my self praying one day I could just shatter because at least that would be the final time I feel pain . So many people assume you have to be literally confined or taken hostage to be a prisoner. But the reality is that “ freedom is a state of mind “ therefore it’s so easy to figuratively imprison yourself. Whether it be the result of adversity from your past or just the poison that was poured in your ear throughout your life by bullies , naysayers and even your peers. It is untimely our choice on how deep these things harbor inside of us ! Some people are able to break free from the things that were holding them back while some remain tangled by these mental “strings” living a life only existing while they unbeknownst have became the gatekeeper of their own prison .

Could it be we fear freedom? Or have even became a Slave to our pain ? If pain and chaos is all you know then peace of mind can make you uncomfortable as crazy as that sounds . I can admit that I have made progress in my life but a few “strings” remain because they have been harder to cut then the others . Strings that mentally tugged , restrained , and even choked me at times . I don’t look at myself as failure because of this but just a mere human being . Because we all have our mental strings yet some have decided to become complacent or even ignore the things that could be holding them back from their future or just simple happiness. I believe that taking responsibility is the hardest step in change . But once you can admit what your problems are then it’s easier to fix them once you are ready to make that positive transition. I say this because when it comes to our strongholds we can pray ,cry and confide in people till our face turns blue but until you are completely ready you will remain in bondage . No one can fix you but YOU! No one can cut you loose from the things that are holding you hostage but you ! And yes I know some people may argue with my theory but even in the Bible it states “ faith without WORKS is dead “ . At this moment we have 69 days left in this year . Which means we have 69 days to make a decision to either cut those strings that have been holding us back or bring in another year in bondage.  The choice is yours…

If you would like to share the things you plan on cutting free from before the new year please comment below . I have learned that sometimes knowing you are not alone can really be comforting . Also if you have overcame this and would love to share your story please comment below because your testimony may just save or inspire someone to make that first step to a positive transition.

Confessions of a black lotus Pt.9

“ I bent until I damn near broke.But that’s the thing about resilience…

It shows up just as your soul begins to cry , 

And catapults your strength into over-drive “. ~ alfa #resilience #resilient #resilientstar #bounceback #blessings #lifeisbeautiful #lessonsandblessings #blackart #bendbutdontbreak #blackgirlsrock #blackgirlswhoblog #blacklotus #marasmeraki #meraki #nevergiveup #Phoenix #blackart #iam #conqueror #idontlooklikewhativebeenthrough 

“Careless whispers”

The devil doesn’t come dressed in red capes and pointy horns ! He comes dressed as everything you wished for …

“Some people genuinely wanna see you win 
while others wanna see you on your ass , 
then there’s the ones that want you behind them,
And the ones wolves that just prefer you on your back ! 

The reality is either way you can obtain the same results just the honest route is usually avoided by these detours ! 😞. But is a come up really worth your dignity ? Are your dreams worth what will eventually haunt you once you become a mother, father or even just a “role model ” 

The sad part is that so many will quickly whisper “yes”! 😢 why oh why are we so quick to “fall to our knees” for the wrong gods? 

Sunday funday 😌🙏🏾

Some times the moments that bring you the most joy are completely selfless .

One thing about me is that I’m a major homeboy! I work and network but other than that I rarely I’m out on the scene because I’m just over “the hype”. But Sunday July the 9th I was invited to do something that perked my ears up ! A kickback with people that are different yet have one similar thing in common  And that’s the passion to make a change !  Operation feed the streets is one of the movements conducted by and origination called Youth helping Youth worldwide and Button up For Hunger . 

✨Operation feed the streets mission is to connect community organizations churches and school through special events that serve as a catalyst to a solid foundation for positive generational change worldwide.  

I love to being part of events that pay it forward and promotes unity ! One thing about this group is the good vibes were felt before you even signed in ! Organic smiling faces and there was no such thing as a stranger once you walked inside the room.  Everyone arrived with food and snacks in tow  to contribute to the lunch bags . The first task of the day was to adorn the brown paper bags with hand drawn pictures and positive affirmations ! It was like adding a extra dose of love in their bags !  😍 see I’ve always been a firm believer that we can change the world one smile at a time . Therefore our words and actions are more powerful than you may think.  There are so many broken spirits out there BUT not everyone has completely thrown in the towel ! So that one or two bags my fall in the hands of a person who’s flame hasn’t dimmed out ! And that message just may be the word they needed to read to give them a reason to smile and regain faith ! 
Now in the mist of that the leaders took a moment to conduct an icebreaker so everyone could get familiar with one another . Then they shared a few praise reports of some people that suffered a moment of adversity that they were blessed enough to cross paths with due to the program . Their stories were very powerful and eye opening! The main thing is just the reality of how close so many of us are to being homeless or losing it all just by making bad decisions or mismanaging your money .  This hit close to home for me because I myself have endured hardship and had to basically start all over again . No I wasn’t homeless but that could’ve easily been me . It’s an humbling experience that makes you reflect and really start to appreciate the small things . Also an eye opener to straighten up and fly right ! Its so easy to get complacent with your current situation to the point that you are just living for the moment with no regard to the future or your legacy .  Once we started back decorating the bags it really changed my focus ! Because instead of me writing what I think they would want to hear I was asking myself what if I was that person ? What would brighten my day ? What power quotes do I tell myself during my darkest hour ? What would make me smile ? What would make me believe I mattered again? 

After that task was done we all packed the bags like a well oiled machine ! It was mind blowing and heartwarming! You can tell that everyone was doing this with abundant love and hopes that this small jester would make an major impact in some of their lives . Even though we were assigned to certain stations we were all one team ! If one station was short of one item the next station pitched in and so on ! We knocked those bags out in no time since we were so focused on the main objective. ​​ 

Due to the fact that I had to work that night I wasn’t able to volunteer to join the final phase . That was a bummer for me because I really was locked but I know next time I’m totally free I will be ready . My Sunday was truly blessed because of this experience! I encourage others to consider donating if not money and goods try donating your time to a just cause . That day I came empty handed because I had no clue what to expect but I know my time was greatly appreciated!  Not to mention when you take your time to create or prepare something for someone it’s special because it was done with love .  If you reside in or near  Atlanta and would like to join their movement or just make a donation of any kind I’ve attached the link at the bottom of this picture ! Thanks for allowing me to share my experience with you and be blessed 💜