Confessions of a Black Lotus PT. 10

Time after time I find myself falling apart and frantically having to put myself back together. The feeling of not having control of your life can be very frustrating! To be so close to success or serenity only to be aggressively yanked out of your comfort zone or into some bullshit is a special type of hell! Sometimes I feel like a puppet constantly getting played with and my strings tangled ! As if my puppet master finds joy in the pain I feel when Iโ€™m so close to euphoria only to unexpectedly fall apart ! Iโ€™ve fallen and cried so many times that I catch my self praying one day I could just shatter because at least that would be the final time I feel pain . So many people assume you have to be literally confined or taken hostage to be a prisoner. But the reality is that โ€œ freedom is a state of mind โ€œ therefore itโ€™s so easy to figuratively imprison yourself. Whether it be the result of adversity from your past or just the poison that was poured in your ear throughout your life by bullies , naysayers and even your peers. It is untimely our choice on how deep these things harbor inside of us ! Some people are able to break free from the things that were holding them back while some remain tangled by these mental โ€œstringsโ€ living a life only existing while they unbeknownst have became the gatekeeper of their own prison .

Could it be we fear freedom? Or have even became a Slave to our pain ? If pain and chaos is all you know then peace of mind can make you uncomfortable as crazy as that sounds . I can admit that I have made progress in my life but a few โ€œstringsโ€ remain because they have been harder to cut then the others . Strings that mentally tugged , restrained , and even choked me at times . I donโ€™t look at myself as failure because of this but just a mere human being . Because we all have our mental strings yet some have decided to become complacent or even ignore the things that could be holding them back from their future or just simple happiness. I believe that taking responsibility is the hardest step in change . But once you can admit what your problems are then itโ€™s easier to fix them once you are ready to make that positive transition. I say this because when it comes to our strongholds we can pray ,cry and confide in people till our face turns blue but until you are completely ready you will remain in bondage . No one can fix you but YOU! No one can cut you loose from the things that are holding you hostage but you ! And yes I know some people may argue with my theory but even in the Bible it states โ€œ faith without WORKS is dead โ€œ . At this moment we have 69 days left in this year . Which means we have 69 days to make a decision to either cut those strings that have been holding us back or bring in another year in bondage.ย  The choice is yours…

If you would like to share the things you plan on cutting free from before the new year please comment below . I have learned that sometimes knowing you are not alone can really be comforting . Also if you have overcame this and would love to share your story please comment below because your testimony may just save or inspire someone to make that first step to a positive transition.


Confessions of a black Lotus ! Pt .8ย 

My tears are not the mark of weakness, but of struggle has only made me strong enough to grow my own wings and i couldnt be happier for this blessing.

Confessions of a Black Lotus Pt.7 (Petals )

When I was younger I use to love laying in a secluded spot with myself or friends and cloud watch while the wind freely through our hair and ears lol . As we laid there in silence we would watch the clouds slowly drift by and shape shift into the most peculiar shapes . We would squint , point , and giggle as we gave our opinion of what those mystical clouds reminded us of . I truly do miss those days. Therefore now it seems as though the only time I get a moment of peace like this is when in on the road . I glimpse up at times and am speechless on what I’m missing out on . Which is why I snap these shots when the opportunity arrives . 

 it’s crazy how people assume I’m so complex or hard to please . If you really got to know me you would discover I find joy In the most peculiar things . I’m far from materialistic which mean I value time more than. Money . I find comfort in silence versus noise . But the type of silence I speak of is something unexplainable . But the few times I am given the opportunity to experience it .I cherish every moment of it praying one day it will never end โ˜บ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿ˜‡๐Ÿ™๐Ÿพ

Confessions of a Black Lotus Pt.6

Today I committed a heinous crime !๐Ÿ˜ฑ but TBH I don’t regret it one bit ! Hell I wish I would’ve done it sooner ! Instead of judging me you should me thanking me for taking her out of her misery ! Do you wanna hear me out then check out my latest “confession” And you be the judge !

I KILLED SOMEONE TODAY !!I killed the girl who once cared too much !

I killed the girl who trusted too easy !

I killed the girl who made excuses for being disrespected!

I killed the girl who believed the bullshit !

I killed the girl who use to be me !

Confessions of a Black Lotus Pt. 5ย 

If you willing open your heart to an unstable situation and the end result is betrayal or heartbreak .You didn’t get played … You actually played yourself. 

  It’s crazy because there is a well known quote that states ” anything worth having is worth fighting for ” but worth having in who’s eyes?? Because everything we want is ultimately something we never needed not to mention everything we want may not wAnt you. Yet toxic relationships and lustful binds are for some reason what people see as “worth the fight” .. But why??? If you’ve been knocked out more than once and you have more bruises then victories it’s time for you to tap out . Some people feed off of confusion and people’s pain . And then some people live for that drama and believes in their heart that if it doesn’t hurt it isn’t love . ……. How dreadfully unfortunate is that ๐Ÿ˜“ 

The way of the world can be tricky at times …. Especially if you are an owner of a nurturing heart and gentle soul . You find yourself finding Beauty in the ugliest things . Having faith that love and faith will always prevail when it doesn’t. Not because none of those things exist but in order for it to come to fruition the other person must believe in it as well.  

  So never give lock the door to your heart but be carful who you open that door to . Never stop fighting but just don’t jump into the ring of a loosing battle . Yes love is worth the fight but it’s never suppose to hurt . Physically , mentally,or spiritually . You may think you deserve that person but in all actuality YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!! Don’t continue to block your blessings holding on to dead and destructive things or people. Have enough faith in yourself to move forward. …. 

Confessions of a Black Lotus . Pt.4

“I once asked God to remove every single person that aren’t suppose to be in my life, and it was so painful to see it was people I loved ๐Ÿ’””

Every year I loose a part of me ! It’s becoming the norm to me ! At the end I truly see that all I get is me ! ๐Ÿ’”  there isn’t an well that could harbor all of the tears I’ve cried during this purge .  I 

An open letter from the Girl you left behind .

Dear Liars, Cheaters, Betrayers and Heartbreakers,

This isn’t a your typical letter from your typical Black Woman . because you see I have no desire to bash what actually built me into the woman I am today . No longer am I a reflection of the ones who hurt me because I have embraced the lessons that I needed to learn and chose to move forward with my life .ย ย  I don’t blame anyone for my misfortunes ;because since I’ve ย learned to love myself and stop putting so much trust in man .Ive realized that I subjected myself to this pain and a bunch of bull shit . Back then I didn’t believe I was deserving of love so I settled and lived my life in ignorance to attain bliss .

As crazy as this may sound hitting Rock bottom was the best thing that ever happened to me. All of those frivolous people and situations I thought were treasures lost were merely bullets I dodged by the grace of God.

To some this may not make sense so let me break it down to you .My pain gave me clarity of what NOT to take for granted . Every time I fell down I noticed the ones that continuously picked me up out of love and not gain . The battles I have fought made me find my voice . Losing everything in return resulted into me finding Faith and By finding God I ultimately found myself . Everyones story isn’t the same but I was just one of those people that had to learn the hard way. And to be honest where I’m headed is worth every tear and sleepless night . I have no resentment nor regrets .

I could go on but I rather keep it as short and sweet as the seasons I spent with you all lol .So before i bid you adieu I would like to say “Thank You for making me a Woman “๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ‘‘๐Ÿ™๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿพ


The Girl you left behind .๐Ÿ’‹